Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Just for fun...

Just for fun.  Stumbled upon a website full of jokes – if you need a laugh, you’ll probably find this site amusing.

In particular, I found four pages that resonated with me.  The first was “In-Flight Humor”.  Probably because I already have 45,000 miles on 40 segments this year (well, they say 38 but only because they missed recording two of my flights – I now know to keep those boarding passes…).  The quips supposedly made by the flight crew (I actually don’t doubt them – sometimes the flight crew can be quite amusing) might make you chuckle out loud.  My favorite:

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

I really liked the seatbelt part – it is so true.  

Then there was “The World’s SHORTEST Books”.  A tongue in cheek list of fictitious titles that would result in really really short books.  Some of them were good for a grin, such as:
  • The Difference between Reality and Dilbert

  • Fast & Efficient Windows Programs

  • Things I Can't Afford - by Bill Gates

I’m sure you get the gist by now.

Next there was “Things I have Learned from Children”.  I really liked all of the ceiling fan ones.  Some of my favorite ones from that page:
  • The fire department in my town has a 5 minute response time.

  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.

  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Lastly, this one on “Bad Resumes” hit close to home.  I’ve seen some bad, really bad, and really really bad resumes in the past – I’m pretty sure these quotes are not made up.

  • The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

  • I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

  • At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.

  • Suspected to graduate early next year.

Anyway, now you all know how bad my sense of humor is… (or how little it takes to actually amuse me).  Any others out there?


Blogger Doug Burns said....

Sorry, no suggestions at all, but thanks for cheering me up a bit ;-)

Wed Apr 12, 05:34:00 PM EDT  

Blogger Joel Garry said....

Mad magazine used to periodically have "bookshelves of shortest books." For some reason "The Wit and Wisdom of Richard Nixon" and "Etiquette by Lyndon B. Johnson" stuck with me. Mad puts out an archival cd.

I'm just glad I finally got off all the emails of old jokes that have been floating around the net forever, refreshed every time someone discovers the joy of email.

My father-in-law wanted me to show him on my pc how to work the cd's of Everything the New Yorker Has Ever Published (or some such thing). I inserted the cd, answered yes to the installshield questions, and it proceeded to copy what seemed to be a jpg of every cartoon, cover and article of the New Yorker since the '30's. Actually, it was about a quarter of them, asking for the other cd's later when clicking on the appropriate part of the index...

So, uh, how many liberal arts majors are dba's?

Wed Apr 12, 06:56:00 PM EDT  

Blogger Scott said....

I can top some of those.

Actual comment from a United Flight Attendant as we were pulling into the gate:

"Please be careful when opening the overhead bins, as you know, some items are heavy and may have shifted during flight, and we'd hate to see you get hurt now that the safest part of your journey is behind you."

Actual comment from a United first officer as the seat belt sign was turned off as we parked at the gate:

"All rise!"

Worst experience on a Untied flight: Flying with turkeys in 1st class

- Scott -

Wed Apr 12, 10:44:00 PM EDT  

Blogger Gleisson Henrique said....

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Wed Apr 12, 10:48:00 PM EDT  

Blogger Gleisson Henrique said....

I love this , specially the pics folder and the commercials folder under movies.

Wed Apr 12, 10:50:00 PM EDT  

Blogger Roderick said....

There's something about Steven Wright that just kills me.
And I am still waiting for a new comic strip to make me forget The Far Side. Dilbert comes close sometimes.

Thu Apr 13, 04:52:00 AM EDT  

Anonymous Anonymous said....

I clearly remember the first time I traveled on an airplane in 1991. It was first time I was traveling out of country also. Didn't know what the difference was between air ticket, visa, passport and a boarding pass. So I carried everything in my hand and when anyone would ask for anything, I would hand them everything. Take what you want. Then I sat on the airplane seat and fastened the seat belt by observing others. When I tried to open it, I didn't know how to do it. My fellow passenger realized the problem and did it for me. The lesson was that however obvious something might be to me, someone else may not know anything about it.

Thu Apr 13, 08:48:00 AM EDT  

Blogger Daniel Fink said....

Air travel is enough of a pain as it is and having a cabin crew with a sense of humor really helps (something a lot of airlines don't understand).

One of my favorites is "We will now dim the lights to enhance the attractiveness of the crew."

Thu Apr 13, 09:47:00 AM EDT  

Anonymous Anonymous said....

One cabin crew comment I remember -- I think on Southwest (the laugh crew of the airways) went something like this
We will begin our meal serveice shortly. We have a choice of pasta, chicken, or fish. If we run out of your favoriate we know you will like one of the others because they all taste the same anyway.

Thu Apr 13, 11:27:00 AM EDT  

Blogger Michael said....

I travel Southwest all of the time. Here are a few of my favorites, some of which are takes on others already published:

"If you have a small child traveling with you, or someone traveling with you who is acting like a small child..."

On a flight between Baltimore and Nashville:

"In the event of a water landing" pause, then a laugh "between here and Nashville, it will be a miracle!"

On a recent flight with three rather pretty stewardesses, one of them sang:

"We like you, you like us
We're must faster than the bus
We hope you enjoyed our hospitality
Marry one of us, and you'll fly free"

Finally, as you know, after they have warned you about the seatbelts they come down the aisle and check a) that the overhead bins are latched, and b) that passengers have their seatbelts fastened. The announcer said on one of my flights:

"The flight attendants will now come down the aisle displaying their underarms for your smelling pleasure! Fainting does not get you a free flight."

Thu Apr 13, 11:44:00 AM EDT  

Blogger Jeff Plumb said....

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tue Apr 25, 08:19:00 AM EDT  

Blogger Jeff Plumb said....

Having a spelling mistake on your resume is a bad thing but Is Spelling Important?
Ironically I had to delete my previous comment because I had a spelling mistake :)

Tue Apr 25, 08:27:00 AM EDT  


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